I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Couch. On fire.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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