He uses pillows to masturbate.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
