Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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