i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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