you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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