Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
