Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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