Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
