As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize