he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
