my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
There was a lot of him and a little penis
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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