I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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