Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
