my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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