she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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