wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
