Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
