i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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