Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
