im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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