apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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