Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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