does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize