evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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