Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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