I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
