seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
