omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
