He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
