yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Randomize
