Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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