Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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