He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Best friends brother. Beat that.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
