dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize