Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
