you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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