Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
