It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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