How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
