bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
