im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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