I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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