i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Is it because I queefed?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
