Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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