the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
