i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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