I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
