I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
