I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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