im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
