why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
