i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize