New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize