Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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