Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
