apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Randomize
