She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
