he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
