Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
