3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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