I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
